How our past hurts impact our relationships


As we move through life, people, situations or events that we experience can leave us feeling hurt and traumatised. This unfortunately is a normal part of life as we know life to be today. Getting hurt is not an issue per say if we are able to deal with it, let go and move on, but this is not the norm, with many of us harbouring hurts and resentments for decades. This then taints our view of the world and damages our trust in others and in life. When we are unable to resolve our hurt, we bury it deep in our body and carry it with us everywhere we go. This in turn affects all aspects of our lives. We may think we have moved on, and that the past is behind us, but everything we have ever experienced, positive or negative, stays with us, and makes up how we relate to others and how we see life. 

We then take what we carry into our relationships and this is where the trouble starts. When we have unhealed hurts with us things that people say, or certain situations will trigger us, they will touch on the unhealed part of us, most commonly causing us to react in a negative way. We may see the situation like: ‘you are making me feel like this’, or ‘you are doing this to me’. This leaves us feeling like a victim, creating more hurt. A vicious cycle is then created.

How to break the cycle 

But we can rise above this by looking at ourselves and life a little differently. When we are triggered to react it is an opportunity to reflect on why we may be feeling this way, this requires a lot of honesty to get to the truth. Once we feel the truth we are then in position to begin the process of letting go of old baggage once and for all.

For example, if you felt your mother never showed you love that doesn’t mean a woman will never love you, but this is the message our unconscious mind holds onto, projecting that belief onto every woman you meet. If that woman behaves in a way that is even slightly similar to how your mother was with you, you become triggered and this will then confirm your belief that no woman will ever love you. But by looking deeper and getting more honest with yourself you can feel the old hurt that you carry from your past, the hurt of the inner child part of yourself, and that your reaction was really about the unhealed hurt you were holding onto about your mother not the woman in front of you. Simply by nominating the truth you initiate the process of letting go of the old belief and making way for the real you to shine through.

Just because you had traumatic experiences in your past doesn’t necessarily mean you are doomed, you have the power to heal and rise above your past through honesty and love. 

For further reading on the subject, pop over to Unimed Living where you can read How letting go of the past is true medicine 

Kate Chorley is a psychotherapist & couples therapist practicing in the Parramatta & Blacktown areas of Western Sydney. She supports her clients in raising their self-awareness to lead more productive and fulfilling lives. Contact here or phone 0402134097 to make an appointment.