Jealousy – Does the Green Eyed Monster Rule your Life?

 

Jealousy is an emotion that we all experience from time to time. But for some of us it can be crippling, effecting every area of our lives.

Jealousy is one of the most powerful and painful of all human emotions, in fact it can be deadly: Statistical data shows that jealousy ranks as the third most common motive for murder. And lets face it, being on the receiving end of jealousy is downright awful.

I can’t stop feeling Jealous, help! 

Have you struggled with repetitive and consuming thoughts over your new partners ex for example? Do you constantly put yourself into comparison with others leaving you feeling depressed, and that you are not good enough? Or do you begin to feel enraged when you see that friend or family member who is super confident and successful or who just seems to have life all worked out?

Feeling this way can begin to effect all your relationships, you are likely to become withdrawn, resentful and bitter. You want revenge, you decide that if you can get this person out of your sight you can start to feel better, so you begin to plot as to how to make this happen by having thoughts of how you can attack them and bring them down and to even get pleasure out of watching them suffer somehow, even for a moment. All this sounds pretty evil hey? Probably because that’s exactly what jealousy is – evil. 

So What is Jealousy? 

By understanding what jealousy actually is and how it works you can start to address it.

When you see and feel that someone has made different choices to you that has got them where they are today, choices that you could have made for yourself, this can enrage you and fill you with jealousy, why? Because deep down you know that you could have made those same choices yourself but didn’t, everyone has the freedom of choice.

We always have the choice of how we see ourselves, our attitude to life, of how we are in relation to another, the way we care for ourselves and others, the way we use our time and the list goes on… The truth is, regardless of our childhood or past experiences we can always choose differently today.

So how do I stop feeling this way?

  • First it’s important to nominate that the fact you are feeling jealous. By getting honest with yourself you can start to make true inroads to change.
  • Next, take the time to self-reflect, as jealousy is never about the other person, it is about you. Look at what it is you are jealous of, it may be that they are confident and joyful in their lives. If this is something you want, the fact is you can have this too, you just have to make certain choices to get you there. Look at where you may have made not so supportive choices and simply start to make changes in your own life, in other words – take responsibility for yourself and how you feel. 
  • Develop a healthy relationship with you. Let’s face it, no one is perfect and this is not something to aspire to, let it go. Start loving you for exactly who you are today, do not look back and beat yourself up for past choices, learn from them, and then simply start to choose what is true for you and what you want out of life. For example, if you want love, you need to be love! 
  • Be Inspired. If success and fulfilment is what you want, look to others who have this in their lives and let what they do and who they are inspire you to do the same, let their reflection confirm to you what is possible for you too when true choices are made. 

‘Help’, I’m in love with a Narcissist

 

The label narcissist is a term that is thrown around quite a bit these days, one that generally indicates someone who is vain and selfish but the true personality disorder and its characteristics run much deeper, and carry long-term, damaging effects for those directly involved with people that have the condition.

If you are in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic personality traits, you will get a strong sense of being manipulated or used and will eventually become aware that your partner does not truly care about you and that you are simply ‘a thing’ that is there to satisfy his or her wants and needs. It can be a devastating discovery to realise you have been deceived in this way by someone you loved.

 

The term Narcissism originated from Greek Mythology and the Story of Narcissus.

Narcissus was a extremely handsome young man who was arrogant and self-involved. He could not tear himself away from looking at his own reflection in a pool of water, and as a result his self adoration totally consumed him and ultimately caused his death. In modern times narcissism indicates an individual who is arrogantly self-absorbed, but this is not be confused with a healthy sense of self-love that does not preclude the ability to love others equally.

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), narcissism as a personality disorder classified by the traits listed below. It is important to remember that narcissism is a spectrum disorder, which means it exists along a continuum ranging from a few narcissistic traits to the full-blown personality disorder which is rare, with only 1% of the population in this category. That aside, non-clinical narcissism is a wide spread problem. 

These people are more often than not highly attractive, fun-loving, charming and charismatic, someone who appears that he or she would be a great partner but has a dark side that many do not realise until it is too late. 

 

So what are the signs? 

 

1. Being extremely self-focused and exploitive of others – The narcissist will be primarily focused on getting his or her needs met over all else and will not be phased about using others to make this happen even if others get hurt in the process. Basically, it is all about them, what they want, think or feel in complete disregard to the needs of others around them. Which means they do not want to hear about what is going on for you let alone be there to support you in a crisis.

When in conversation you may feel they dismiss what you have to say, talk over you and rail road the conversation, always turing the topic of conversation towards what is going on for them or their thoughts and opinions. You are made to feel like you don’t matter. 

2. They don’t care about how you feel – Lack of empathy is a classic sign of the narcissist. They fail to put themselves in another persons shoes and connect with how they feel because their focus is solely with themselves. They may give a semblance of caring and concern if they are going to gain by doing so – there is always an agenda that focused on personal gain. 

3. Possess an inflated sense of self-importance – The narcissist will have a grandiose sense of self importance, they will exaggerate their achievements and talents and will expect this to be recognised by those around him or her. He or she likes to be the centre of attention, and will be charming and charismatic to get the outcome they want. 

4. Disregards rules or social etiquette – Because of their inflated sense of self importance your partner may feel that they are above what is considered social norms. They believe they can have affairs, cut into a line where others are waiting for example, as they will go to any extreme to get what they want and to get their needs met and feel they are perfectly justified in doing so.   

5. Is highly jealous and competitive – You will find that your partner is hugely insecure of anyone or anything that is seen as a threat to the illusion of their elevated position. They have a need to feel superior at all times and will go to great lengths to make sure this is maintained. 

6. Excessive need for attention and admiration – These people need to be constantly adored. Your attention must be on them and they are highly sensitive to when your attention may be focused elsewhere. 

7. Emotionally volatile – You will find your partner can fly into spontaneous rages that can take you completely off guard. This can occur in public or private as the narcissist will have no regard to how his or her behaviour will impact others. If they feel they have been wronged or have not been shown the attention they feel they deserve they can be highly reactive. They can return to normal very quickly as if as nothing has happened with no remorse. 

You may find yourself many times trying to calm down and pacify your partner who feels justified in their behaviour. They are very quick to blame and classically do not take responsibility for their own actions. You will be made to feel that everything that goes wrong is always your fault. 

But what is really going on? – Labelling an individual with a mental health disorder or disease subtlety suggests that they are some how absolved of responsibility, but beyond the label of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a person who is using a certain type of behaviour to counteract feelings of deep insecurity or feeling as though they are not enough. It is the fight for individualism, of standing out and being noticed beyond the masses, but aren’t we all doing this to some degree?

The truth is that we come from a oneness, an equalness, and to promote individualism is to fight against this. Narcissism is just exaggerated version of the human condition in its desire to be its own creator. In fighting our own nature, which is to naturally be part of the whole, we become deeply unhappy, feel isolated and unloved. We hold a constant tension in our bodies and are forever looking for anything that will placate these feelings, and in this case it is the recognition, approval and adoration that is the drug of choice. 

What to do if this describes your partner? – 

  • Self-reflect – Remember that you are part of this dynamic so it is important to reflect on what attracted you to them in the first place. Was one of your parents dominant and controlling? Do you prefer to take a more passive role in a partnership, if so why? Do you lack self-worth and therefore accept their abusive behaviour? Do you feel safe to be with someone who takes charge? Does it give you a sense of worth to be with someone who is charming and successful? By becoming aware of your role in the dynamic you can begin to change it as you address your own issues. 

 

  • Don’t be a victim – Work on your own issues, develop self-worth and a healthy level of self confidence. This way you will stop unconsciously feeding your partners negative behaviour by pandering to their needs. 

 

  • Get professional help – By seeing a counsellor or psychotherapist you can get the tools and techniques to develop a healthy level of self worth and build a strong and enduring relationship with yourself. In this way you can either change the dynamic with your current partner or to move on in a way where you not attract the same type of partner again. 

 

Why are we Always Arguing?

Have you been madly in love with someone only to find it is impossible to get along in a harmonious way? Many of us have, and I see people with this issue in my treatment rooms every week. 

Struggling in love

In the beginning of a relationship many times we are very polite and guarded, not wanting to do anything to upset the potential we are feeling. If something is bothering us about the other person we let it slide, but this cannot be sustained, and pretty soon things start getting ugly. Moods change, our resentment for our partners behaviour comes seeping through and the whole thing just becomes too much hard work. But because of how we felt in the beginning we don’t give up and here in sets a long road ahead of difficult times for both parties. 

So what it the answer? 

One word –  Communication. 

What are some of the ways to improve our communication skills? 

Here are 6 points that you can start working on today. 

  1. Accept them. Know that to communicate effectively we must first accept that the other person may not think in the same way we do, or may not value the same things. This does not make them wrong, just different. By being open to accepting this fact paves the way for positive relations.
  2. Take responsibility for your reactions and feelings. When you are upset about something the other has done, going into blame or attack simply doesn’t work as this will naturally cause the other respond defensively, hence creating an argument. For example, if you come home from work and see a huge pile of unwashed dishes in the sink, flying off the handle will not support constructive change. First, endeavour to accept that it has happened and if you have been quite triggered and can feel anger rising, take time out to regulate your emotions, as to try and discuss the situation when you are in an emotionally ‘flooded’ state will not go well to say the least. 
  3. Be open to understanding. Through being sensitive and perceptive to your partners needs you are able to gain a deeper understanding of what makes them tick and how you can potentially work together. This does not mean you need to lower your standards, but through understanding you can be aware of what you can compromise on to support a harmonious relationship. 
  4. Take time to really listen. Many times one can find they are thinking about how they are going to respond before the other has finished speaking. How is it possible to completely understand your partner without giving them the time and space to fully express?
  5. Love is an action. Remember that your body language and movements actually communicate quite clearly what you are feeling. Take time to take a breath and make a conscious choice to be in an energy that is true to who you are. By being responsible for the energy you are in will make a huge difference to how you communicate and can transform all your relationships. Love is most powerfully expressed through movements not words. Being gentle and tender says ‘I love you and I also love me’.
  6. Be honest. It is so important to not only be honest with our partner but also with ourselves. By letting our guard down and expressing truthfully, our relationships can one of growth and evolvement for both of you rather than the stagnation of living a lie. 

Relationships & Letting Love In

 

During the last 10 years that I have been working as a counsellor for individuals and couples as well as being married for over 20 years, I have found that most of us seem to have trouble with letting love in.

3

This appears to be a huge contradiction to the general consensus that we all so desperately want and need to be loved.

So why when love arrives gently at our doorstep do we have so much trouble opening up and letting it in?

Many of us have grown up not knowing what true love is, we are told that we are loved, it’s written in cards and in messages but how many of us have actually felt truly loved and cared for, just for who we are?

On top of that we may not have been supported in learning to love ourselves, to develop our connection with ourselves and to make choices that support a healthy and vital body.

So how do we stop this cycle, as in truth we cannot blame our parents or anyone else for that matter because they may not have been raised in love either.

For many generations the focus was on survival, making sure that we enough money for food and a roof over our heads.

There was also the trauma of war and periods of depression. Although this is not the era with live in today, many of the consciousness’s of old have carried through and still subconsciously drive our choices and ways of being today. The focus is around money, having enough or accumulation of wealth; big homes, cars, holidays etc and also centralises heavily around what we do; our work, our achievements and that our lives must present well regardless of what is truly going on.

This will bring us the joy and fulfilment we are missing in our lives right?

The plain truth is, it doesn’t and we all know it.

Rates of depression, anxiety and suicide have never been higher; obesity rates are soaring as is diabetes and many other chronic conditions. This clearly states that something is very wrong in the way we are choosing to live our lives today.

The good news is we all have the power to change this, we are not victims of this world, of our family or society.

By choosing to take full responsibility for where we find ourselves, with as much love and care for ourselves that we can muster, true change can and will take place. It is through beginning to really love ourselves, and getting support in letting go of the hurts we carry, can we find ourselves in a place where we can begin to truly love another.

Love itself can never hurt you, how can it?

Love just loves, it asks for nothing because it knows it is already everything.

It is at the central core of who we are. Love will never leave us but we can certainly choose to reject it.

This is where I have found many have an issue, they reject love. I have found this is partly because we have grown up with a distorted view of what love really is.

We are taught to believe that love is something outside ourselves that comes to us, something we get if we do the right thing or something rare that only special people get to experience.

All of this is simply not true.

The love we so desperately seek resides within in us, and by making choices that support our connection to this love, this is something we can get to live each day, it is ours. Due to it’s endless abundance that can be felt when lived, we will then love nothing more than to share this love with others by letting them in to feel it too, so they may be reminded that it is within them also.

We come to know that we do not own love but that it is part of everyone, equally.

Love is about letting people in, so when we don’t like ourselves or fear that love may hurt us, we put up protection against it.

This simply does not make sense as to reject love we are rejecting ourselves which is an incredibly painful and exhausting thing to do, and something that will never truly work anyway.

Does this protection prevent us from getting hurt?

No it doesn’t. Why?

Because the very act of rejecting love and of keeping people out is where the true damage is done, this is what hurts us most.

The time is now to reconnect to the love within so we can begin to experience the abundance and joy that true love can bring.

By truly listening to our bodies and eating a diet that supports us to be centered and balanced, to do some gentle exercise everyday, to go to bed early and to develop open and honest relationships with ourselves and those around us are simple and straight forward ways of being that lead back to connecting to the love within.

But this is just the beginning because there are never ending ways we can deepen our love, with self-awareness and commitment we have the potential to live from this endless and abundant love 24/7.

I write this piece from my own lived experience, my ongoing learning and from the constant inspiration I receive from Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.

Are you Addicted to Love?

 

What is an Addiction to Love?

Being addicted to love means having on overwhelming need for adoration, attention, recognition and even physical touch. This is coupled with the initial rush of having these needs met by an individual or “new kid on the block so to speak.” The deep emptiness that the individual holds is now being filled, which gives a great sense of relief, and this is not unlike any other type of addiction pattern.

Woman trying to kiss a man desperately

Chasing a new target becomes the drug of choice used to medicate that which we do not know how to address or overcome ourselves by truly loving, supportive means.

Unfortunately this initial high is short lived, as those intensity of feelings cannot be maintained, what was once the greatest love story ever quickly descends into a horror movie of co-dependency, insecurities, controlling type behaviour, emotional, mental or even physical abuse patterns, constant bickering and fighting, and of course the barrage of text messages or calls.

What is happening here is the demand within the individual that is no longer being met at the level that is required to give them relief, so desperate and demanding type behaviour begins to surface. This type of behaviour incites feelings of guilt and unworthiness in both individuals. Unfortunately this sort of relationship can be very difficult to break away from.

So what is love?

The question here really needs to be – “was this really love in the first place or something else?” From what my understanding of what love is, it is certainly something else! I understand love to be a gentle and unimposing way of being, that is compassionate and deeply caring and accepting of others. Love is who we are not something we do or get from someone else. Love is an expression that we share. Love is complete and full and totally without need.

How to overcome this addiction?

To overcome this pattern we need to start with honesty. By being truly honest with ourselves it will direct us to finding true answers and ultimately true healing. I feel it is important to get some support, someone we feel we can trust and open up to; a professional and experienced therapist is geared to provide the kind of support needed here and is one of the best ways to go.

Any type of addiction has a pattern that needs to be identified and broken and replaced with new more loving ways of being. The bottom line here is to overcome your addiction to love you must start to love yourself first, where there is no self-love there is an emptiness and this is what drives the addiction.

There are many reasons for the lack of self-love but is usually comes from not being loved, respected and met for who we truly are from a very young age, we then hold onto these hurts, shut down, create false beliefs about ourselves and decide that all people cannot be trusted, the world cannot be trusted.

We stop expressing from the love that we are deep down, we instead express from our hurts and live in protection and simply do not live in a loving way with ourselves or others.

So right there creates a deep well that must be filled, so if it cannot be filled with true love anything else will do that gives a sense relief, even if short lived, so we confuse what gives a relief as being the answer, thinking it is love which it surely is not in this case. Take the time to build your relationship with self one that it is solid and true, and based on love, then we can go forward and build that with another.

Why am I so Anxious when it comes to Making Love?

 

If you struggle with feeling relaxed and at ease when your intimate with your partner you are not alone.

Many women more often than not silently battle with these feelings regularly. They feel confused, they know they love their partner and want to be with him, love spending time together, and just feel very comfortable in his company, naturally. But when it comes time to get amorous things begin to get a little frosty. He wants to connect with the woman he loves but he begins to feel the metaphoric door begin to close.

She starts to make excuses; I have a headache, its too hot, it’s too cold, the children may come in etc. he gets the drift, she simply doesn’t want to make love. For him, this is straight out rejection something that cuts deep, he may start thinking “if she really loved me it wouldn’t be this way….” So what is really going on for her?

o-YOUNG-WOMAN-UPSET-facebook

Most commonly women suffer from lack of self worth and even self loathing issues that plague them.

From not being met for the amazing beings they are as little girls to being bombarded constantly by images and ideals in the media, which are impossible to live up to. Women learn from a very young age they will be loved and adored for what they do as opposed to who they are. Very quickly they begin to lose themselves to a world of unrealistic ideals and beliefs they struggle to live up to or rebelliously oppose.

We as women, begin to disregard our true knowingness deep within in favour of what we believe the world wants us to be, its in this state of disregard we begin to lose touch with our essence, our worthiness, our preciousness.

We become hardened and disempowered, slowly building resentment against what we think we have to do to be loved and accepted.

To manage these unpleasant feelings we find activities and behaviours to numb and bury what we do not want to feel, such as smoking, drinking alcohol, chocolate, online shopping, or addictions of any kind. These activities will contribute to self esteem issues and feelings of not being good enough and even self loathing.

We simply do not feel good in our bodies anymore.

Along comes Prince Charming wanting to sweep us off our feet and the last thing we want to have happen is to take our clothes off especially with the lights on! So how do we overcome this. We know we want to want to make love and connect but there is something stopping us, just frustrating for everyone involved.

What is needed is for the woman to come back to herself. Within every woman is an inner essence of great beauty and wisdom.

Its about taking time to listen to our hearts which will always tell us what is true for us and what is not. Our minds have a great ability to lead us off track particularly if we are sold out to ideals and ways of being that are found outside ourselves. Its about being present with our bodies, with our thinking in alignment with what we are doing which is simply a state of mindful presence.

Take time out for you, lovingly prepare nourishing food that will support your body, go to bed early, exercise and most of all rest if you need to.

By treating yourself in a loving and nurturing way, your feelings of worth will begin to heal.

stock-footage-young-lovers-in-the-bed-focus-on-their-hands

 

You are gorgeous and amazing deep down. You are not your past experiences or your past choices, the essence of you will never change, it is divine and eternal. So take time to be gentle and kind to you and build a foundation of love that will support you.

Opening up to your man and making love will be something you will look forward to as it becomes a celebration of you, of him and the love that you share.

 

 

Dealing With Addiction Relapse

 

Many of us are struggling with addictions of all types on a daily basis whether it be drugs, alcohol, food, gambling, porn or any compulsive activity that takes us away from who we truly are. After working hard at getting yourself back on track and feeling positive about life again, you somehow find yourself slipping back in your old patterns and behaviour and feeling terrible about it! First thing I want you to know is, its OK! Don’t panic.

7StepstoBreakingtheCycleofAlcoholAddiction

I have listed a few very practical steps you can begin to implement right now, so lets begin..

1.     Be kind to yourself – remember life was never meant to be about perfection, it’s about finding a way of living that truly supports YOU and then simply living that way. It’s not about adhering to some external plan or idea someone else has fed you. It’s very personal and unique to you. It’s basically about being honest and true to yourself. So be gentle, this is not a time to start beating yourself up and being hard on you, he or she needs help right now not self condemnation!

      There is always a reason behind why we slip back, we may be stressed, overwhelmed, having relationship difficulties, starting a new job or it could even be that we are trying to live up to some ideal we think we should be living up to, very toxic! As I said now is not the time to start beating yourself up. Just recognise and be honest that you have slipped back – that is, nominate your current state and then begin to work from there- objectively not emotionally.

2.     Seek Help. It’s ok to ask for support if we need it. It takes courage and strength to be honest and open about what has happened. Its great to discuss this with another to feel their love and support. There are many amazing, loving people in this world willing to be there for another, one of them may even be you! So don’t be afraid open up and let people in, you don’t need to do this alone.

3.     Be Honest. By being really honest with yourself and using tools of self-reflection like journaling or talking with a friend, you can begin to realise what is going on at a deeper, subconscious level. You may be scared of failing at something, or you may be afraid of losing something or someone, or you may have gone into self doubt or perhaps deeper, unresolved issues may be popping up to be healed. Whatever it is for you its OK! By realising what it is we can begin to move forward with a deeper understanding of ourselves.

4.     One step at a time. I know it’s an old saying but I believe a very wise one –  just take one day at a time. Break it down to even smaller chunks if that works for you. It always amazes me how quickly we can come back when we work in this way.

5.     Regroup & Plan – Next step is about finding your way back to choosing a way of being and living that really supports you again. You know how to do this because you have done it before but this time we are going to refine the plan further, make it more specific to you. And that is the key, its needs to come from inside of you, not from me or anything outside of yourself. If you take time to be honest with yourself, you know what choices support you and which ones do not. A new day is a great place to begin again. Write down how an amazing day would look if you were living in a way that would make you feel really yourself again one that you could feel really good about.

·      How much sleep would you get, what time would you go to bed and wake up?

·      Would you enjoy having some gentle ‘wind down’ activities before bed such as a lovely bath, peaceful environment and some candles, fresh sheets? Much more appealing than being stressed and disorganised!

·      How would you prepare for the following day, what will you wear, etc? How would you like your room to feel like when you wake up the next day? Lovely, fresh, clean and organised feels good to me.

·      What will you eat? What and how much we eat has a huge impact on how we feel. Discover what truly feels right for your body and shop, prepare and cook the foods your body needs. Eating less can be more supportive also.

·      Incorporate some gentle movement, a lovely walk in the early morning helps you really start to re-connect back and support yourself again.

·      How would you be in relationship to others, what would that look like for you? When we support ourselves lovingly we are having a direct effect on those around us. We all have a responsibility to really care for ourselves, imagine if the whole world did this? What would life look and feel like, very very awesome I say! Ok so that’s a way off at the moment but if we do it in our little corner of the world it does make a difference.