Are you Addicted to Love?

 

What is an Addiction to Love?

Being addicted to love means having on overwhelming need for adoration, attention, recognition and even physical touch. This is coupled with the initial rush of having these needs met by an individual or “new kid on the block so to speak.” The deep emptiness that the individual holds is now being filled, which gives a great sense of relief, and this is not unlike any other type of addiction pattern.

Woman trying to kiss a man desperately

Chasing a new target becomes the drug of choice used to medicate that which we do not know how to address or overcome ourselves by truly loving, supportive means.

Unfortunately this initial high is short lived, as those intensity of feelings cannot be maintained, what was once the greatest love story ever quickly descends into a horror movie of co-dependency, insecurities, controlling type behaviour, emotional, mental or even physical abuse patterns, constant bickering and fighting, and of course the barrage of text messages or calls.

What is happening here is the demand within the individual that is no longer being met at the level that is required to give them relief, so desperate and demanding type behaviour begins to surface. This type of behaviour incites feelings of guilt and unworthiness in both individuals. Unfortunately this sort of relationship can be very difficult to break away from.

So what is love?

The question here really needs to be – “was this really love in the first place or something else?” From what my understanding of what love is, it is certainly something else! I understand love to be a gentle and unimposing way of being, that is compassionate and deeply caring and accepting of others. Love is who we are not something we do or get from someone else. Love is an expression that we share. Love is complete and full and totally without need.

How to overcome this addiction?

To overcome this pattern we need to start with honesty. By being truly honest with ourselves it will direct us to finding true answers and ultimately true healing. I feel it is important to get some support, someone we feel we can trust and open up to; a professional and experienced therapist is geared to provide the kind of support needed here and is one of the best ways to go.

Any type of addiction has a pattern that needs to be identified and broken and replaced with new more loving ways of being. The bottom line here is to overcome your addiction to love you must start to love yourself first, where there is no self-love there is an emptiness and this is what drives the addiction.

There are many reasons for the lack of self-love but is usually comes from not being loved, respected and met for who we truly are from a very young age, we then hold onto these hurts, shut down, create false beliefs about ourselves and decide that all people cannot be trusted, the world cannot be trusted.

We stop expressing from the love that we are deep down, we instead express from our hurts and live in protection and simply do not live in a loving way with ourselves or others.

So right there creates a deep well that must be filled, so if it cannot be filled with true love anything else will do that gives a sense relief, even if short lived, so we confuse what gives a relief as being the answer, thinking it is love which it surely is not in this case. Take the time to build your relationship with self one that it is solid and true, and based on love, then we can go forward and build that with another.

Why am I so Anxious when it comes to Making Love?

 

If you struggle with feeling relaxed and at ease when your intimate with your partner you are not alone.

Many women more often than not silently battle with these feelings regularly. They feel confused, they know they love their partner and want to be with him, love spending time together, and just feel very comfortable in his company, naturally. But when it comes time to get amorous things begin to get a little frosty. He wants to connect with the woman he loves but he begins to feel the metaphoric door begin to close.

She starts to make excuses; I have a headache, its too hot, it’s too cold, the children may come in etc. he gets the drift, she simply doesn’t want to make love. For him, this is straight out rejection something that cuts deep, he may start thinking “if she really loved me it wouldn’t be this way….” So what is really going on for her?

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Most commonly women suffer from lack of self worth and even self loathing issues that plague them.

From not being met for the amazing beings they are as little girls to being bombarded constantly by images and ideals in the media, which are impossible to live up to. Women learn from a very young age they will be loved and adored for what they do as opposed to who they are. Very quickly they begin to lose themselves to a world of unrealistic ideals and beliefs they struggle to live up to or rebelliously oppose.

We as women, begin to disregard our true knowingness deep within in favour of what we believe the world wants us to be, its in this state of disregard we begin to lose touch with our essence, our worthiness, our preciousness.

We become hardened and disempowered, slowly building resentment against what we think we have to do to be loved and accepted.

To manage these unpleasant feelings we find activities and behaviours to numb and bury what we do not want to feel, such as smoking, drinking alcohol, chocolate, online shopping, or addictions of any kind. These activities will contribute to self esteem issues and feelings of not being good enough and even self loathing.

We simply do not feel good in our bodies anymore.

Along comes Prince Charming wanting to sweep us off our feet and the last thing we want to have happen is to take our clothes off especially with the lights on! So how do we overcome this. We know we want to want to make love and connect but there is something stopping us, just frustrating for everyone involved.

What is needed is for the woman to come back to herself. Within every woman is an inner essence of great beauty and wisdom.

Its about taking time to listen to our hearts which will always tell us what is true for us and what is not. Our minds have a great ability to lead us off track particularly if we are sold out to ideals and ways of being that are found outside ourselves. Its about being present with our bodies, with our thinking in alignment with what we are doing which is simply a state of mindful presence.

Take time out for you, lovingly prepare nourishing food that will support your body, go to bed early, exercise and most of all rest if you need to.

By treating yourself in a loving and nurturing way, your feelings of worth will begin to heal.

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You are gorgeous and amazing deep down. You are not your past experiences or your past choices, the essence of you will never change, it is divine and eternal. So take time to be gentle and kind to you and build a foundation of love that will support you.

Opening up to your man and making love will be something you will look forward to as it becomes a celebration of you, of him and the love that you share.

 

 

Dealing With Addiction Relapse

 

Many of us are struggling with addictions of all types on a daily basis whether it be drugs, alcohol, food, gambling, porn or any compulsive activity that takes us away from who we truly are. After working hard at getting yourself back on track and feeling positive about life again, you somehow find yourself slipping back in your old patterns and behaviour and feeling terrible about it! First thing I want you to know is, its OK! Don’t panic.

7StepstoBreakingtheCycleofAlcoholAddiction

I have listed a few very practical steps you can begin to implement right now, so lets begin..

1.     Be kind to yourself – remember life was never meant to be about perfection, it’s about finding a way of living that truly supports YOU and then simply living that way. It’s not about adhering to some external plan or idea someone else has fed you. It’s very personal and unique to you. It’s basically about being honest and true to yourself. So be gentle, this is not a time to start beating yourself up and being hard on you, he or she needs help right now not self condemnation!

      There is always a reason behind why we slip back, we may be stressed, overwhelmed, having relationship difficulties, starting a new job or it could even be that we are trying to live up to some ideal we think we should be living up to, very toxic! As I said now is not the time to start beating yourself up. Just recognise and be honest that you have slipped back – that is, nominate your current state and then begin to work from there- objectively not emotionally.

2.     Seek Help. It’s ok to ask for support if we need it. It takes courage and strength to be honest and open about what has happened. Its great to discuss this with another to feel their love and support. There are many amazing, loving people in this world willing to be there for another, one of them may even be you! So don’t be afraid open up and let people in, you don’t need to do this alone.

3.     Be Honest. By being really honest with yourself and using tools of self-reflection like journaling or talking with a friend, you can begin to realise what is going on at a deeper, subconscious level. You may be scared of failing at something, or you may be afraid of losing something or someone, or you may have gone into self doubt or perhaps deeper, unresolved issues may be popping up to be healed. Whatever it is for you its OK! By realising what it is we can begin to move forward with a deeper understanding of ourselves.

4.     One step at a time. I know it’s an old saying but I believe a very wise one –  just take one day at a time. Break it down to even smaller chunks if that works for you. It always amazes me how quickly we can come back when we work in this way.

5.     Regroup & Plan – Next step is about finding your way back to choosing a way of being and living that really supports you again. You know how to do this because you have done it before but this time we are going to refine the plan further, make it more specific to you. And that is the key, its needs to come from inside of you, not from me or anything outside of yourself. If you take time to be honest with yourself, you know what choices support you and which ones do not. A new day is a great place to begin again. Write down how an amazing day would look if you were living in a way that would make you feel really yourself again one that you could feel really good about.

·      How much sleep would you get, what time would you go to bed and wake up?

·      Would you enjoy having some gentle ‘wind down’ activities before bed such as a lovely bath, peaceful environment and some candles, fresh sheets? Much more appealing than being stressed and disorganised!

·      How would you prepare for the following day, what will you wear, etc? How would you like your room to feel like when you wake up the next day? Lovely, fresh, clean and organised feels good to me.

·      What will you eat? What and how much we eat has a huge impact on how we feel. Discover what truly feels right for your body and shop, prepare and cook the foods your body needs. Eating less can be more supportive also.

·      Incorporate some gentle movement, a lovely walk in the early morning helps you really start to re-connect back and support yourself again.

·      How would you be in relationship to others, what would that look like for you? When we support ourselves lovingly we are having a direct effect on those around us. We all have a responsibility to really care for ourselves, imagine if the whole world did this? What would life look and feel like, very very awesome I say! Ok so that’s a way off at the moment but if we do it in our little corner of the world it does make a difference.